Take My Hopes and Dreams

	Lord my heart aches thinking about my future. i have hopes, so many hopes and so many dreams. yet i feel so far from them all. whether its hopes of being with a certain girl, only to have her go away with no promise of returning with the same affections, or its my dreams of playing baseball professionally, only to run into walls at seemingly every turn. i am tired Lord. tired of thinking of my future, trying to figure out how to make all of my hopes and dreams come to reality. i give it all to you Jesus. i give you my hopes, may you take care of her and bring her back to me if its your will. take my dreams and fill my heart with the contentness of your love, knowing that my life is yours, and that whatever you call me to do, whether its baseball, or teaching, or just supporting a family, that it is your call for me. Help me to do so diligently.

We are, who we think we are

--------------
Now playing: Blue October - Jump Rope
via FoxyTunes


I am who I think I am. If I think I am a loser, then I will be a loser. If I think I am a failure, then I will be a failure. You can't accomplish your dreams, or conquer your biggest obstacles, if you're constantly telling yourself, "You're not good enough", or "You'll just screw it up anyways". It also doesn't help when you have some of the closest people in your life saying those same things to you...but that's a totally different blog on a different day. I've spent the majority of my life, or at least the last 3-4 years of my life, saying those things to myself. It's no wonder that, putting it nicely, I am a single 23 yr. old virgin, living at home with his mom, with no car, no college degree, and working as a waiter at a sports bar. I am grateful for the life that God has given me, and know that in the end, God will have led me down the exact path that He chose for me to take. But I also know that I am not the best that I could be right now, I've made some poor choices in my life, and a lot of those choices, not all, some of them were just because of my poor judgment, but a lot of them were because of my attitude I had about my life, or life in general.

I am not saying that if I'd had a better attitude that my life would be different. Maybe I was just supposed to be a single 23 yr. old virgin, living at home with his mom, with no car, no college degree, and working as a waiter at a sports bar. Only God knows. All I know is that my life is better, my life is more joyful, and my future is brighter when I look at things with a positive attitude. When I remember that God is the conductor of my life, that every path I take, I am directed by Him, than everything else just falls into place. I am not a loser, I am not a failure. I am a child of God.

What I fear the most...

I fear that my life will be meaningless. That I will fail at all that I do. That I won't fulfill any of my dreams (playing professional baseball, having a family, etc...). I want so badly to achieve my goals, that I am sometimes overwhelmed by my fear, and often find myself unable to see beyond the current barriers, to what is just around the corner.

I started thinking the other day about this fear of failure. What is it really? Am I afraid of failing? Or am I, in fact, unwilling to trust that no matter what happens in my life, Jesus is in control? Because if I really think about it, the life of a Christian, who walks in close relationship with Jesus, never ends in failure! So whether I become a professional athlete, or if I just become a no name high school coach for a mediocre team in the middle of nowhere, as long as I live my life for Jesus; I will triumph. As long as I love my wife, treat her right, keep our love pure, and be the Christ-like head of our relationship; I will be praised in heaven. As long as I am there for my kids, and bring them up to the best of my ability to grow up to be God loving, God fearing, God centered lives; I will not fail.

And I don't need all 3 of those scenarios either. All I need is Christ, and I know He will always be there. So what do I have to worry about?



----------------
Now playing: The Matches - Little Maggots
via FoxyTunes

Sunrise video montage

This was my first attempt at making a video - hope you all like it!

Overwhelmed

So this will be a little different than most my posts - I just feel so overwhelmed, I felt the need to let out some of the thoughts in my brain.

It's been almost 3 months now since [BLANK] broke up with me. I've been trying so hard to get over her; but I can't. It probably doesn't help that her brother and my sister really like each other. Then today, I see her for the first time since she told me she want to be just friends. Which didn't really happen; after talking maybe twice after the break up, she pretty much pretended I didn't exist after the New Year. Even though I've done nothing but support her decision. Maybe she wanted me to fight? Possibly. But she seemed so fragile and weak that it felt like fighting for her would just tear her apart. She said she need to figure things out: I guess that meant getting me completely out of her life. Seeing her today was awkward. On one hand, I didn't want it to seem like I was super excited to see her for the first time since December 24th, but then again, on the other hand; I was. The result of that combo was awkwardness. I wish I could have that moment over again :-\

*SIGH* I'm just so burnt out. Physically from snowboarding, spiritually from not understanding God's purpose for my life, and emotionally from still caring deeply for a girl who wants nothing to do with me. Part of me wants to try talking to her again, even though it would most likely end up in an unanswered phone call or ignored text message. But still at least I'd make an effort right? Or not; I told her when we broke up that I'd give her her space, and let her figure out whatever she needed to figure out, maybe I should just continue to let her live her life the way she wants: Without me apparently. But I also promised I'd always be there as a friend. If I don't say something now, I may not get another chance. How do I get rid of/ignore these urges to talk to her, to be her friend? (Which I would be totally fine with BTW - it's not like all I am wanting is a relationship - I'd prefer just a friendship in fact) How do I tell someone who doesn't care, that I care? What do I do?

"How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?" Psalms 13:1-2

"But I TRUST in your UNFAILING love;
My heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD for He is good to me." Psalms 13:5-6

----------------
Now playing: The All-American Rejects - Sunshine (Hidden Track)
via FoxyTunes

----------------
Now playing: The Format - Dog Problems
via FoxyTunes

----------------
Now playing: My Chemical Romance - Famous Last Words
via FoxyTunes

Determined to LIVE

It's been awhile since I have been on here to talk to all of you. Mainly because nothing significant has effected me over the last couple weeks. To put it simply, I've had nothing to write about. What has changed, then? Why catastrophic event has caused me to forget everything else I am doing to sit here and type this?

Nothing.

I have nothing more to say to you, than I did 3 weeks ago. Yet, today I woke up determined. I am determined first of all, to get rid of this cough that I've had now for over a month. I'm gonna get rid of it. I also woke up determined to change my life. I am not happy. I know that I have more than most, yet for some reason, I am unhappy for the few things I don't have, or that I've lost.

Why is that?

What's the difference between knowing, and believing? Because I know that God is in control of my life. I KNOW that He is my shepherd and I am His sheep. I KNOW that my life is working perfectly in God's timing, and that everything I have, or don't have, is because God decided to give it too me, or not. I KNOW that His wisdom is perfect. If I know all this, why is it so hard for me to believe any of it? Why do I struggle everyday about where my life is? Why am I unhappy? Why do I spend my time thinking of those who have hurt me, instead of thinking of the ONE who has never, and will never, hurt me?

I think a lot of the times, we as humans look for the quick fix. I know I do. I don't want to work on something everyday, not bearing any fruit, for who knows how long in order to get where I need to be. I want to win the lottery. I want to get the quick fix. I want the prize at the end, without the work in between.

That's not how it works though. The longer we put off doing "the work", the longer we hold back the joy that we will one day behold. It is with that thought in mind that I woke up determined. Determined to no longer "sit and wait", but to get up and do the work God has in store for me. Determined to stop being a pushover, letting everyone walk over me and treat me like dirt. Determined to stop letting my relationship with Christ be misunderstood for weakness. He does not make us weak, but strong; and in Him I will be strong. Pray for me.

Signing off. God Bless

----------------
Now playing: mewithoutYou - In a Sweater Poorly Knit
via FoxyTunes

Does God change His mind?

So I was going through a bit of a crisis the other day. I'd read something in the Bible that I couldn't figure out, and not understanding it was driving me absolutely INSANE! Not just that, but it was sorta shaking the belief system that I hold too. Thankfully I was able to talk to a leader at my church about the situation, and he was able to clear some things up for me. So, I decided to share both my concerns that I first had, and also how those concerns were put to rest.

It all began while sitting in this awesome college/young adult group at my church called "Next". The teacher for the evening led us to Exodus 32 during part of his teachings, and while we were there, I began to read ahead. When I got to verse 14, my mind did a double take. "So the LORD changed His mind about the harm which He said He would do to His people." (EXODUS 32:14 NAS) -

I believe that God knows all. I believe that although we have free will, and have to make choices on our own, God already knows what my choices will be. Yet, if God knows everything, and is always good and always right, how can he "change His mind", and whats more, how could "man", who is sinful and (for lack of a better word) stupid, change the mind of the LORD GOD!?! I don't know if this would be troublesome to anyone else, but this greatly disturbed me.

However, the person I talked to helped me find God's constant, helped me realize that God works in wonderful and mysterious ways, which may not always be understandable to me, but are still wonderful. Another thing I realized is that, I am human. I cannot and will not understand the God of all the universe completely. And thank God for that. As the author of "The Shack", William P. Young puts it, "Who wants to serve a God that you can fully understand?" I don't know about you, but I am glad that the God I serve is a whole lot wiser than I am, or than any human.

So, other than the realization that I cannot understand God all the time, how was I able to feel convinced that the God I love doesn't "change His mind" on the wishes of a man? It is quite simple really. Just because God allowed Moses to believe that he had intervened and "saved" his people, does not mean that it was exactly the case. He was working in this man, Moses. A work that had begun years earlier. In order for this work to be completed, Moses had to go through certain situations in order to develop specifics attributes that would enable him to lead his people to their promised land. He also knew that wrong had been done. God knew that He had to make Moses know that their actions were not acceptable, and would not be tolerated. So the God that is always just, let Moses know that He could destroy them all, which is what they deserved. Moses then pleaded to save His people. God knew He wasn't going to destroy His chosen people, He remembered the promise He made to Abraham many many years ago, but He also knew that this had to be done so that Moses would go down from that mountain, and upon seeing the Israelites in their idolatry, would become outraged at their sin. He would become the leader that these people needed, and God would complete His work in Him.

Sometimes, in order for us to find the light, God must first show us the darkness.

I hope that I was able to write this out in a way that makes sense haha. Things are a lot clearer in my head before I try to explain it.

God Bless! (and come to NEXT! Fridays at 8pm at Calvary Community Church)