Take My Hopes and Dreams

	Lord my heart aches thinking about my future. i have hopes, so many hopes and so many dreams. yet i feel so far from them all. whether its hopes of being with a certain girl, only to have her go away with no promise of returning with the same affections, or its my dreams of playing baseball professionally, only to run into walls at seemingly every turn. i am tired Lord. tired of thinking of my future, trying to figure out how to make all of my hopes and dreams come to reality. i give it all to you Jesus. i give you my hopes, may you take care of her and bring her back to me if its your will. take my dreams and fill my heart with the contentness of your love, knowing that my life is yours, and that whatever you call me to do, whether its baseball, or teaching, or just supporting a family, that it is your call for me. Help me to do so diligently.

We are, who we think we are

--------------
Now playing: Blue October - Jump Rope
via FoxyTunes


I am who I think I am. If I think I am a loser, then I will be a loser. If I think I am a failure, then I will be a failure. You can't accomplish your dreams, or conquer your biggest obstacles, if you're constantly telling yourself, "You're not good enough", or "You'll just screw it up anyways". It also doesn't help when you have some of the closest people in your life saying those same things to you...but that's a totally different blog on a different day. I've spent the majority of my life, or at least the last 3-4 years of my life, saying those things to myself. It's no wonder that, putting it nicely, I am a single 23 yr. old virgin, living at home with his mom, with no car, no college degree, and working as a waiter at a sports bar. I am grateful for the life that God has given me, and know that in the end, God will have led me down the exact path that He chose for me to take. But I also know that I am not the best that I could be right now, I've made some poor choices in my life, and a lot of those choices, not all, some of them were just because of my poor judgment, but a lot of them were because of my attitude I had about my life, or life in general.

I am not saying that if I'd had a better attitude that my life would be different. Maybe I was just supposed to be a single 23 yr. old virgin, living at home with his mom, with no car, no college degree, and working as a waiter at a sports bar. Only God knows. All I know is that my life is better, my life is more joyful, and my future is brighter when I look at things with a positive attitude. When I remember that God is the conductor of my life, that every path I take, I am directed by Him, than everything else just falls into place. I am not a loser, I am not a failure. I am a child of God.

What I fear the most...

I fear that my life will be meaningless. That I will fail at all that I do. That I won't fulfill any of my dreams (playing professional baseball, having a family, etc...). I want so badly to achieve my goals, that I am sometimes overwhelmed by my fear, and often find myself unable to see beyond the current barriers, to what is just around the corner.

I started thinking the other day about this fear of failure. What is it really? Am I afraid of failing? Or am I, in fact, unwilling to trust that no matter what happens in my life, Jesus is in control? Because if I really think about it, the life of a Christian, who walks in close relationship with Jesus, never ends in failure! So whether I become a professional athlete, or if I just become a no name high school coach for a mediocre team in the middle of nowhere, as long as I live my life for Jesus; I will triumph. As long as I love my wife, treat her right, keep our love pure, and be the Christ-like head of our relationship; I will be praised in heaven. As long as I am there for my kids, and bring them up to the best of my ability to grow up to be God loving, God fearing, God centered lives; I will not fail.

And I don't need all 3 of those scenarios either. All I need is Christ, and I know He will always be there. So what do I have to worry about?



----------------
Now playing: The Matches - Little Maggots
via FoxyTunes

Sunrise video montage

This was my first attempt at making a video - hope you all like it!

Overwhelmed

So this will be a little different than most my posts - I just feel so overwhelmed, I felt the need to let out some of the thoughts in my brain.

It's been almost 3 months now since [BLANK] broke up with me. I've been trying so hard to get over her; but I can't. It probably doesn't help that her brother and my sister really like each other. Then today, I see her for the first time since she told me she want to be just friends. Which didn't really happen; after talking maybe twice after the break up, she pretty much pretended I didn't exist after the New Year. Even though I've done nothing but support her decision. Maybe she wanted me to fight? Possibly. But she seemed so fragile and weak that it felt like fighting for her would just tear her apart. She said she need to figure things out: I guess that meant getting me completely out of her life. Seeing her today was awkward. On one hand, I didn't want it to seem like I was super excited to see her for the first time since December 24th, but then again, on the other hand; I was. The result of that combo was awkwardness. I wish I could have that moment over again :-\

*SIGH* I'm just so burnt out. Physically from snowboarding, spiritually from not understanding God's purpose for my life, and emotionally from still caring deeply for a girl who wants nothing to do with me. Part of me wants to try talking to her again, even though it would most likely end up in an unanswered phone call or ignored text message. But still at least I'd make an effort right? Or not; I told her when we broke up that I'd give her her space, and let her figure out whatever she needed to figure out, maybe I should just continue to let her live her life the way she wants: Without me apparently. But I also promised I'd always be there as a friend. If I don't say something now, I may not get another chance. How do I get rid of/ignore these urges to talk to her, to be her friend? (Which I would be totally fine with BTW - it's not like all I am wanting is a relationship - I'd prefer just a friendship in fact) How do I tell someone who doesn't care, that I care? What do I do?

"How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?" Psalms 13:1-2

"But I TRUST in your UNFAILING love;
My heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD for He is good to me." Psalms 13:5-6

----------------
Now playing: The All-American Rejects - Sunshine (Hidden Track)
via FoxyTunes

----------------
Now playing: The Format - Dog Problems
via FoxyTunes

----------------
Now playing: My Chemical Romance - Famous Last Words
via FoxyTunes

Determined to LIVE

It's been awhile since I have been on here to talk to all of you. Mainly because nothing significant has effected me over the last couple weeks. To put it simply, I've had nothing to write about. What has changed, then? Why catastrophic event has caused me to forget everything else I am doing to sit here and type this?

Nothing.

I have nothing more to say to you, than I did 3 weeks ago. Yet, today I woke up determined. I am determined first of all, to get rid of this cough that I've had now for over a month. I'm gonna get rid of it. I also woke up determined to change my life. I am not happy. I know that I have more than most, yet for some reason, I am unhappy for the few things I don't have, or that I've lost.

Why is that?

What's the difference between knowing, and believing? Because I know that God is in control of my life. I KNOW that He is my shepherd and I am His sheep. I KNOW that my life is working perfectly in God's timing, and that everything I have, or don't have, is because God decided to give it too me, or not. I KNOW that His wisdom is perfect. If I know all this, why is it so hard for me to believe any of it? Why do I struggle everyday about where my life is? Why am I unhappy? Why do I spend my time thinking of those who have hurt me, instead of thinking of the ONE who has never, and will never, hurt me?

I think a lot of the times, we as humans look for the quick fix. I know I do. I don't want to work on something everyday, not bearing any fruit, for who knows how long in order to get where I need to be. I want to win the lottery. I want to get the quick fix. I want the prize at the end, without the work in between.

That's not how it works though. The longer we put off doing "the work", the longer we hold back the joy that we will one day behold. It is with that thought in mind that I woke up determined. Determined to no longer "sit and wait", but to get up and do the work God has in store for me. Determined to stop being a pushover, letting everyone walk over me and treat me like dirt. Determined to stop letting my relationship with Christ be misunderstood for weakness. He does not make us weak, but strong; and in Him I will be strong. Pray for me.

Signing off. God Bless

----------------
Now playing: mewithoutYou - In a Sweater Poorly Knit
via FoxyTunes

Does God change His mind?

So I was going through a bit of a crisis the other day. I'd read something in the Bible that I couldn't figure out, and not understanding it was driving me absolutely INSANE! Not just that, but it was sorta shaking the belief system that I hold too. Thankfully I was able to talk to a leader at my church about the situation, and he was able to clear some things up for me. So, I decided to share both my concerns that I first had, and also how those concerns were put to rest.

It all began while sitting in this awesome college/young adult group at my church called "Next". The teacher for the evening led us to Exodus 32 during part of his teachings, and while we were there, I began to read ahead. When I got to verse 14, my mind did a double take. "So the LORD changed His mind about the harm which He said He would do to His people." (EXODUS 32:14 NAS) -

I believe that God knows all. I believe that although we have free will, and have to make choices on our own, God already knows what my choices will be. Yet, if God knows everything, and is always good and always right, how can he "change His mind", and whats more, how could "man", who is sinful and (for lack of a better word) stupid, change the mind of the LORD GOD!?! I don't know if this would be troublesome to anyone else, but this greatly disturbed me.

However, the person I talked to helped me find God's constant, helped me realize that God works in wonderful and mysterious ways, which may not always be understandable to me, but are still wonderful. Another thing I realized is that, I am human. I cannot and will not understand the God of all the universe completely. And thank God for that. As the author of "The Shack", William P. Young puts it, "Who wants to serve a God that you can fully understand?" I don't know about you, but I am glad that the God I serve is a whole lot wiser than I am, or than any human.

So, other than the realization that I cannot understand God all the time, how was I able to feel convinced that the God I love doesn't "change His mind" on the wishes of a man? It is quite simple really. Just because God allowed Moses to believe that he had intervened and "saved" his people, does not mean that it was exactly the case. He was working in this man, Moses. A work that had begun years earlier. In order for this work to be completed, Moses had to go through certain situations in order to develop specifics attributes that would enable him to lead his people to their promised land. He also knew that wrong had been done. God knew that He had to make Moses know that their actions were not acceptable, and would not be tolerated. So the God that is always just, let Moses know that He could destroy them all, which is what they deserved. Moses then pleaded to save His people. God knew He wasn't going to destroy His chosen people, He remembered the promise He made to Abraham many many years ago, but He also knew that this had to be done so that Moses would go down from that mountain, and upon seeing the Israelites in their idolatry, would become outraged at their sin. He would become the leader that these people needed, and God would complete His work in Him.

Sometimes, in order for us to find the light, God must first show us the darkness.

I hope that I was able to write this out in a way that makes sense haha. Things are a lot clearer in my head before I try to explain it.

God Bless! (and come to NEXT! Fridays at 8pm at Calvary Community Church)

Kevin Devine and Straylight Run

First things first...stop what you are doing and download or purchase (depending on who you are) the musical genius that the title of this blog is blessed with. Kevin Devine is pure, real, sincere. His heart opening prayer, "Lord, I know we don't talk much", made me an instant fan. Not to mention any of his other greats (like the cover of Brand New's "Jesus Christ" and "Cotton Crush"). Straylight Run is best described by my friend as "Ambient piano rock". "Existentialism On Prom Night" will be an immediate favorite, if you appreciate amazing music that is. I have not heard a song I don't like yet in my 1st time through their works, and find myself more and more drawn in to the stories being told, to the music being shared, and the lives being transformed.

If anyone figures out these things we call "emotions", please let me know. Because I don't understand them AT ALL. I don't understand how I can still feel a certain way after the things that have transpired. I don't understand why my heart is wanting more, when I know there won't be anymore. I don't understand this game they call "love", or why I always seem to be on the losing side. Am I playing the game wrong? Am I not playing enough? Do I just pick bad teammates? Or am I doing everything exactly how I was supposed too, and God is just using each situation to bring me one step closer to the girl who WON'T break my heart? That is a day I can't wait for. I hear people at work, or amongst friends commenting on how they don't want to get married ever, or that they hope it isn't for a long time. Why am I so different? Why is it that from the time I was 12, my greatest dream, yes even greater than playing baseball, was to get married and to have a family of my own? I still hold to that dream. I picture it in my mind almost everyday. Yet I feel closer to my dream of playing baseball professionally (which isn't very close at all).

I know that I am where I am because it is God's plan. I know that God directs my steps just like Solomon tells us in Proverbs, "A man's steps are directed by the LORD. How then can anyone understand his own way?" Me saying that I don't understand is an understatement. It'd be like saying, "Babe Ruth was a power hitter and nothing else" (that was for you Brandon :)), and for all you non-baseball fans/losers out there, it'd be like saying, "The Beatles were good for their era". Get what I mean? lol I knew you would...anyways...back to the point. I know that God is the author of my steps though, and so even though I don't understand, even though I can't figure out what purpose my life has, even though I feel like I'll never get the two things I've wanted and worked for my entire life, I know that God will reveal everything in His perfect timing. I know that He will complete His work in me. Why? Because He loves me, and that's all that I need. Signing off.

Late Night Cravings

I just wanted to give a quick shout out to the late night food industries. Jack in the Box, Filibertos, Taco Bell, and even Circle K...I love you guys!

One of the worst feelings a guy can get is to get those late night hunger cravings...you know the kind, you don't want cereal from the pantry, you don't wanna make anything, you don't want just a bunch of candy...you want something greasy, and preferably cheesy! I would also like to commend the genius behind stuffed jalapenos...they are definitely hitting the spot right now as they are not only greasy and cheesy...but also spicy! It's a threefer! Of course, this shout out would not be complete if I didn't mention the always mandatory, and always delicious, Dr. Pepper.

With my shout out complete, lets talk about something a little more important. Sports. Ok fine, WAY more important :) Tomorrow is Super Bowl XLIII (43 for all you who didn't learn roman numerals in school) , and as excited as I am to see the Cardinals in the championship, never thought I'd ever say those words, I can't help but once again realize how much I hate Arizona sports fans. The last time I felt like this was 2001...yep you guessed it, when the Diamondbacks went to the World Series. There will always be people who jump on the bandwagon, yet it seems Arizona has more than most. Maybe its because I was raised a Cubs fan, in my opinion the loyalist fans in any sports (you can't go 100 years without a championship and still have one of the largest fan bases without loyalty). Being a Cubs fan is more than just taking an interest in a team, or cheering them on when they play. Being a Cubs fan is part of my identity. My name is Chad, I am 23 years old, I love Jesus Christ with all my heart, I love sports, I love my family, and I love my Cubbies. Across the country, no matter where you go, you'll find Cubs fans just like me. It is that experience perhaps that drags fingernails down a chalk board in regards to Arizona fans. Pre-2001, the D-Backs had a very average fan base. However, the minute we get to the World Series, the entire state turned D-Back purple! Everyone everywhere was a DIE HARD D-BACKS FAN!! I can understand being excited, I was too. My favorite player of all time, Mark Grace, was among the veterans of the team, and I may add started the rally in the 9th to win it in game 7. However, where are all those fans now? We have a couple down years, and all of a sudden we're back to 2000. People on a hole could care less about the team, and only when September rolls around do they even notice the team might make the playoffs again...at which point they get all their memorabilia out and parade around town proclaiming their avid love of the team.

This football season has shown that it isn't just Arizona's baseball fans that are so fickle...but football fans as well. In the last few weeks, I have seen the amount of Cardinals fan multiply more than I can even explain. Everyone is excited that "THEIR" Cardinals are in the super bowl, but most can only name a couple players on the team. You're not fans...you're spectators. I hope that these "fans" prove me wrong, and win or lose tomorrow, show up the next couple years with the same enthusiasm as I've seen the last few weeks. Signing off. Goodnight.

Why Are Guys Treated Differently Than Girls?

In an era where equal rights are as much of our everyday living as brushing our teeth in the morning, why is it that guys are treated differently, and not given the same privileges as women? Now before anyone gets ahead of themselves here, let me point out that this injustice isn't done by just women, but by men as well. To tell you the truth, I am kinda sick of it. I am sick of being judged by the world because my best friend and I (who is a guy), are closer than most "guy friends". Why is it that girls can hang all over each other, they can hold hands, they can share beds, and in some cases, even kiss, yet the world doesn't judge them...and in the case of the latter, the world even praises them. No one says anything about a girl that does those things, you don't here rumors of, "I think they're lesbians", you don't have people telling them that they're weird, you don't have people advising them not to have certain pictures because of how "gay" they look. I am not gay, and neither is my best friend. No siree!!! But I do love him, and I know that he loves me. I know that he will always be here for me, I know that he'll always be there to pick me up when I fall, and I know that I'll always be there for him. We have a great relationship and it's time the rest of the world gets on board! Just because you don't have the kind of friendship we have, just because you're not as close with your best friend as we are, just because you don't see every guy friends acting like Turk and JD from Scrubs, doesn't mean there is anything wrong with it. My buddy and I will always be like this, so if you want to be a part of my life, you'd better get used to it! As my very wise and mature friend likes to say, "Don't knock it till you try it" - while I don't really know how that would apply in this situation, I think it is a piece of wisdom that needs shared. :-)

I think the problem is the image that is set forth for "men". We're expected to be these big, strong handymen who don't show emotions (cause emotions are for women and gays), and who know lots of stuff about sports and cars. Well, if that's what you want in a man, than go for it...but I'm gonna let you know right now, that's not me. If that's what you expect out of me then you'd best not stick around me too long haha. I don't know squat about cars, I might be able to fix a couple things around the house, but am by no means a handyman, I do love sports, and consider myself pretty strong, but as far as sports go, I am not very big. As far as emotions go, well just the fact that I am writing this should be proof enough lol - I am about as emotional as you can get. I cry more than anyone in my family, whether it's from movies, music, or just life. So while I may not be the "American Man", I am still a man. Each person is different, and I am who I am. (No I am not God). I am anxious for the day when God brings me the girl I will spend my life with. I don't know when or who, but I do know it will be perfect. So to you, girl of my dreams, I write this for you: I will laugh with you, I will talk with you, I will listen to you, I will cry with you. I may not bring countless excitment or adventure into your life, but I will treat you how you deserve to be treated. My mother used to tell me, "Treat girls like princesses, because that's what they are." - I have followed that statement to the best of my abilities. I won't yell at you, I won't hit you. I won't make you feel bad, I won't lose your trust. I will love you, I will take care of you, I will respect you. Until the day we meet...signing off now. Goodnight.

Fox Mondays --- feeding my addiction!

I realized today that I am addicted to entertainment. Whether it be tv, movies, video games, internet, or music. What I am going to do about it I don't know yet. However, I write this as I am watching House. I will then proceed to watch 24. After that I will probably go into my room to play Gears of War 2 with my brother, and then fall asleep to whichever movie I choose to sleep too, all the while having the computer next to me, talking on facebook, surfer espn.com, and checking teams on whatifsports.com. I didn't used to be like this. I used to spent most of my time outside, I used to go running, work out, do pitching exercises, anything I could to get out of the house and take advantage of the wonderful weather we're blessed with in Arizona. Even up to a couple months ago I had a nice balance or indoor/outdoor activities, I was determined to go back to college, to play baseball again at G.C.U., to get my life where I want it to be. Yet this holiday season I came upon some roadblocks that basically knocked the wind out of me. I realized how hard it is going to be to go back to school because of poor financial decisions of the past. I realized that you can't put your happiness in any person, because it will be broken. One good thing I learned these last few months is that God is always faithful. No matter how many people leave you and let you down, God will always be there. He is always taking care of us. I love Jesus with all of my heart, and I long to have a closer personal relationship with Him. I know that He is working in me, I know that He has something huge planned for me, even if I may not see it now, or even if I may not see it in this lifetime, I know that my God will use me for His purposes. That is why no matter how hopeless this life feels, no matter how hopeless my life seems, I am hopeful. Because I know I have hope in Jesus Christ.

While writing this I decided I need to try to cut down a little bit on my "entertainment" addiction. Hopefully I will be picking up a lot of hours at work, and I am also going to get back into my baseball training...I've kinda been slacking ever since the holidays. I kinda lost focus and need to get it back. I only have 7 months before the fall semester starts, and I need to make sure I am in great condition before going back to play for Grand Canyon.

I guess this is good enough for my first post. Signing off now. Goodnight.